"The Horror of My Perfect Memory!" (Queen Abbie)
Usually, most people think they have childhood memories from age one but could only remember from the early stages of teenage years but then we all have parents and neighbours who relate our experiences to us....
I have always been the weird type, a professor once told me that the best I can do is to keep being weird as that is the only course I could pass, it's not like I am weird in a way that is funny or cool, the difficult part is that my weirdness is horrific....maybe it's just me but I think the ability not to forget anything from the very first year of my life has been a horror I've had to live with.
Okay so most people may not have expected it but what hurts is that even when I get hurt and heartbroken each time and again, and then just like that I keep remembering like it happened that very day, funny enough, I've had to go through five emotional trauma and then it's become a normal thing as I have gotten used to not forgetting anything and the main reason why I'm here in my office as a consultant for the high school I finished from... that's the least I could do to help young people with issues that are more than they can bear...
Looking outside at Senami- she is my new patient and I could tell she had a lot going on if only she would allow me in- it got me thinking about the first time in kindergarten, when mom decided she couldn't handle me anymore and needed to dump me off somewhere quite far as she had no choice but to keep me, I looked like I knew what I was doing, I was like a star cause I had a memory that doesn't forget so it was easy to please the teacher with my intelligence that had nothing to do with my normal responses though medically my mom tried finding a way but it seemed like I was being created that way and there was nothing anyone could do about that....
Kindergarten was bearable as I was a baby and irresistibly cute naturally...my main issue started a year into kindergarten when I witnessed the brutal murder of my mother and as the case may be I couldn't express myself properly as I was still a kid who could barely hold a proper conversation, it affected my well-being as I became mute for quite a number of years due to the shock, I remember vividly how the police carried her corpse from our small but used- to-be cozy apartment and how I tried all I could to tell what happened but couldn't....
My high school days were the worse as I said most things without thinking because I couldn't keep them to myself and it was really difficult to hold those scenarios to myself alone...I hardly had friends and at a point everyone just left me alone as they were scared of my horrific personality that I would say even things about them that they couldn't recall themselves and suddenly my condition became a plague...most times I had to eat from dirts and leftovers cause I was motherless, didn't know my father even to this day and I refused to go to the orphanage as I couldn't handle anymore pressure than I already did...my mom's death was a life changing experience for me as I became wary of everyone and everything and ended up becoming the nemesis of everyone, I couldn't think of someone without thinking evil about such person....
Senami reminded me of myself when I was in high school and as I looked at her I could tell she was holding off something very crucial and is finding it difficult to handle, she even walked with her hands folded strongly,her veins potruded...her mates probably didn't even notice this little signs as their shallow mind only sees the demon in her, even now she is sitting quietly in her chair without talking to anyone but then if she wanted to talk she wouldn't be given the chance as her mates are scared of her just like myself... though my mates were scared they took the upper hand and I was weak enough already....
Tomorrow will always bring something new is what I tell myself, she will open up no matter how little it was it was better than nothing and for what it's worth, she clearly told me that even though her life is totally messed up she isn't and will never be suicidal....she was definitely like me was what I thought when she told me that...so I keep anticipating each day as I knew that one day I would eventually help someone to become better cause I had no one to help me when I needed to be better....
The beautiful part of helping people live well off from their past is that though my memories don't leave they help evaluate the past of others well as the whole content remain vivid...most memories are brutal but some are just plain worse and then there the ones with raw horrific experiences and of course they are all traumatic and trying to forget but I couldn't even if I try.... Vivid memories can be annoying most times as I can even tell if something is going bad, very bad for someone but when it's just me, it's just plain blank with all the terrible memories on the front page and loads of nightmares on the back page...Pain, hurt, traumas became a lifestyle and a crucial part of me....hmmmmm
Along the line when I really thought something would go seriously wrong although I wasn't suicidal, I knew better, Senami came into my office that afternoon rage written all over her face, I tried smiling but she just gave me that look and I remembered exactly the first time I had such a look and it all started then, me trying to heal by helping Senami, so far it's been a task that looks impossible but being alive all these while had taught me to hope and keep hoping that's why staring outside now I'm still filled with hope and anticipation for the future.... When others would say other things are their undoing mine is my memories and as silly as it sounds that's it for me.....
I have always been the weird type, a professor once told me that the best I can do is to keep being weird as that is the only course I could pass, it's not like I am weird in a way that is funny or cool, the difficult part is that my weirdness is horrific....maybe it's just me but I think the ability not to forget anything from the very first year of my life has been a horror I've had to live with.
Okay so most people may not have expected it but what hurts is that even when I get hurt and heartbroken each time and again, and then just like that I keep remembering like it happened that very day, funny enough, I've had to go through five emotional trauma and then it's become a normal thing as I have gotten used to not forgetting anything and the main reason why I'm here in my office as a consultant for the high school I finished from... that's the least I could do to help young people with issues that are more than they can bear...
Looking outside at Senami- she is my new patient and I could tell she had a lot going on if only she would allow me in- it got me thinking about the first time in kindergarten, when mom decided she couldn't handle me anymore and needed to dump me off somewhere quite far as she had no choice but to keep me, I looked like I knew what I was doing, I was like a star cause I had a memory that doesn't forget so it was easy to please the teacher with my intelligence that had nothing to do with my normal responses though medically my mom tried finding a way but it seemed like I was being created that way and there was nothing anyone could do about that....
Kindergarten was bearable as I was a baby and irresistibly cute naturally...my main issue started a year into kindergarten when I witnessed the brutal murder of my mother and as the case may be I couldn't express myself properly as I was still a kid who could barely hold a proper conversation, it affected my well-being as I became mute for quite a number of years due to the shock, I remember vividly how the police carried her corpse from our small but used- to-be cozy apartment and how I tried all I could to tell what happened but couldn't....
My high school days were the worse as I said most things without thinking because I couldn't keep them to myself and it was really difficult to hold those scenarios to myself alone...I hardly had friends and at a point everyone just left me alone as they were scared of my horrific personality that I would say even things about them that they couldn't recall themselves and suddenly my condition became a plague...most times I had to eat from dirts and leftovers cause I was motherless, didn't know my father even to this day and I refused to go to the orphanage as I couldn't handle anymore pressure than I already did...my mom's death was a life changing experience for me as I became wary of everyone and everything and ended up becoming the nemesis of everyone, I couldn't think of someone without thinking evil about such person....
Senami reminded me of myself when I was in high school and as I looked at her I could tell she was holding off something very crucial and is finding it difficult to handle, she even walked with her hands folded strongly,her veins potruded...her mates probably didn't even notice this little signs as their shallow mind only sees the demon in her, even now she is sitting quietly in her chair without talking to anyone but then if she wanted to talk she wouldn't be given the chance as her mates are scared of her just like myself... though my mates were scared they took the upper hand and I was weak enough already....
Tomorrow will always bring something new is what I tell myself, she will open up no matter how little it was it was better than nothing and for what it's worth, she clearly told me that even though her life is totally messed up she isn't and will never be suicidal....she was definitely like me was what I thought when she told me that...so I keep anticipating each day as I knew that one day I would eventually help someone to become better cause I had no one to help me when I needed to be better....
The beautiful part of helping people live well off from their past is that though my memories don't leave they help evaluate the past of others well as the whole content remain vivid...most memories are brutal but some are just plain worse and then there the ones with raw horrific experiences and of course they are all traumatic and trying to forget but I couldn't even if I try.... Vivid memories can be annoying most times as I can even tell if something is going bad, very bad for someone but when it's just me, it's just plain blank with all the terrible memories on the front page and loads of nightmares on the back page...Pain, hurt, traumas became a lifestyle and a crucial part of me....hmmmmm
Along the line when I really thought something would go seriously wrong although I wasn't suicidal, I knew better, Senami came into my office that afternoon rage written all over her face, I tried smiling but she just gave me that look and I remembered exactly the first time I had such a look and it all started then, me trying to heal by helping Senami, so far it's been a task that looks impossible but being alive all these while had taught me to hope and keep hoping that's why staring outside now I'm still filled with hope and anticipation for the future.... When others would say other things are their undoing mine is my memories and as silly as it sounds that's it for me.....
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